Daddy are you there? Part 02 - The present dad but missing father

“Any man can be a father, but it takes a special person to be a dad”. One of my high school teachers once said, it takes more than just being a sperm donor to be a father (referred to as dad in this article), one has to work for that title… you don’t just automatically get it. Growing up without a father figure or a dad is such a prominent thing in our society because the effects of that gap are floating in the atmosphere to be felt and witnessed by every one of us. The effects that with choice can, to some extent, be eliminated throughout future generations. These holes, people did not choose but were created for them (intentionally or unintentionally) by the people who brought them to this earth, and these are the people we call our fathers. For the purpose of these articles, the word father is differentiated from the term dad to emphasize the difference between procreating a human being and being there for this human being as they mature into something great. Some fathers are not there at all to see their children grow while others are there but are not there to play the daddy role, either way the question “daddy where are you?” haunts the child. It is important though that for the former, death is what got in the way but the effects are still similar to those of a father who decided to hit the road.

Fathers play a pivotal role in the household. In the perfect world it would be a shared responsibility between parents to provide for the household as well as raising children with good morals and values. Sadly, this country is filled with households led by single parents and even children. Fathers are nowhere to be found and this has a profound impact on the children affected. When Hloni approached me to collaborate with him on this topic I actually asked myself the question: “Is it beneficial to have both a father and a dad in ones life or could we survive with just one of the above?”. I know that might sound like a confusing and silly question but I asked this as I reflected on my life and how the answer to this question applied to my life.

Growing up my childhood was the best any child could ask for. I was surrounded by loving and present family and friends. My foundation was a firm one, which was built and moulded by my adoptive parents. Their love for each other as well as their children had the biggest impact on me as I was in awe at the fact that they could take in an abandoned child and grow to love them as their own. They saw no divide or difference between their biological children and me. My life was the perfect example of having an always present dad in my life but no biological father. Throughout my childhood I never really took note of the fact that I did not know my father however it had the biggest impact on me around the age of 15. This interest in knowing peaked as I began to explore my identity as a person. Strangely enough every other aspect of my identity could be identified but the one part that remained blacked out was the part about who my father was.

I saw my father as the final piece that I could finally place in my confusing puzzle that encompassed my life from birth until present. Looking at my mum, who is a beautiful Zulu woman, I always wondered what my father looked like. I yearned for that knowledge not because I badly wanted my father in my life, but because I just wanted to find out who this man is/was that played an important role in creating Carol. All I needed to satisfy and bring me inner peace was to be able to identify physical features as well as mannerisms that I might have inherited from my father. Just that feeling would make me feel included. I wondered who’s green eyes, nose and facial characteristics I had inherited, was it from my father or my mother? Questions that I desperately searched to find answers to.

We cannot choose the circumstances we are born into and the biggest lesson I have learnt from the topic about missing fathers, is that as a person affected by this, it is not your fault. You have every right to know who your father is and no one should stop you from finding answers to the burning questions that occupy your mind. I know that I will continue on my search to find my biological father and I urge those experiencing the same feelings to never give up on that search too. Through the emotional and difficult times I found solace in engaging with scriptures from the bible as well as worshipping Jesus. He is the all time greatest Father who will never leave your side. Comfort that came from verses such as: “O Lord you are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are the work of your hands.” (Isaiah 64:8) and “Your Father knows what you need before you ask him.” (Matthew 6:8) I hope that those who read this and can relate in some way to what I have shared remain courageous and strong in life’s journey.

#family #socialissues #father #perspective #life