Saying No To Shame

I have to start by apologizing for taking so long to write another post but life has been super hectic! This past month has been the most challenging but also the most rewarding time. Reflecting on what has happened, led me to this next blog post entitled Saying NO to Shame. I encourage everyone reading this to take some time to check out videos by Brene Brown who has in depth talks on YouTube about topics like shame and vulnerability. They have helped me to understand so much about what I am about to share with you.

I have gone into great detail regarding my life story and the process of me being adopted in my previous blog posts so do go back and check it out if you haven’t . Throughout life I have always accepted these events and have been extremely grateful to God for keeping me safe and being so gracious and loving towards me. For the past few years, however, I started experiencing panic attacks that became more frequent this year. It reached a point last month where, after discussions with my mum we decided that I seek help from a psychologist. It was in the sessions with her and with an amazing GP that I was diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder. Initially I was embarrassed about having such a diagnosis that I talked myself down and felt that I was being a weak person by allowing myself to have these anxiety attacks, but that was not the case.

The doctor explained that I had absorbed the events of being abandoned into my subconscious and it has remained with me throughout the years, even though I don’t remember those events that happened when I was a few months old. It is that same energy that manifests itself when I am faced with triggering situations such as witnessing a death in the hospital or having to say bye to a family member or even watching a sad scene in a movie (as corny as that may sound). But all these events have one thing in common, it is the theme of abandonment- and I become consumed with the thought of my adopted parents or family or even friends passing away, resulting in me being left alone. These feelings then manifest in physical symptoms like sweating, uncontrollable crying, difficulty sleeping and difficulty concentrating.

You’re probably wondering where the actual topic of shame comes into all of this… Well I experienced this feeling of shame. I felt shame for having a “psychiatric condition”, I felt shame that I am now taking medication for my anxiety and I felt shame that I would not be accepted or liked for who I was. This shame not only came into life recently but it would rear its ugly head in different moments throughout life, especially when it came to my identity, seeing as I was such a blend of cultures and backgrounds. I always wanted to please others and fit in, all with the hopes of not being abandoned by those around me. This shame can be horrible and regardless of how your shame manifests itself- be it shame regarding your family circumstances, social class, the way you dress, how you look etc. it will bring you such joy and relief if you break free from that feeling.

I experienced this freedom a weekend ago at our church weekend away. During that weekend of prayer, bible time and just relaxing with my church family, I felt the freedom of letting go of all that shame. It all rests on being vulnerable to the entire process. Being vulnerable by praying, seeking help from those closest to you and just telling your story. It allows you the opportunity to not only show others love but it allows you the opportunity to just love yourself. You then grow your relationship with God and through that relationship with God you can be a blessing to others by God’s love just flowing through you. This does not mean that with one prayer all my anxiety has just vanished. It is still a long journey filled with ups and downs but the best feeling is knowing that I am not doing this alone, but I am doing it with family, friends and God by my side. I do not have to feel ashamed of who I am and neither should you! I hope this helps those who are experiencing something similar to what I have described.

#shame #life #perspective #God